Weird Mom-confession Wednesday

It was 2:00 today before I realized that I didn’t brush my teeth yet.  

The worst part is, it was a mellow day.  I totally had the time.

Did everyone catch the jcrew sale? It ends tomorrow.  

Think I’m gonna get this scarf

and this bangle

  

Been watching lots of this lately.  

I <3 netflix 

Obsessing over Saucy Glossie's picture of this yet to be released Kate Spade watch.  Definitely adding that to my mother’s day list. 

Instagram

Also here is some new music.  The kids are really into it i guess.

Maudlin Monday 2

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations.  I’ve been getting the reality smack down and it isn’t pretty.  For example I expect to look like this

but in actuality I look like this

The worst part about expectations is that they don’t just affect you, they bleed onto your loved ones.  Recently, I had the pleasure of hearing Kimber De'Valle speak about gentleness.  

She was so candid and pure.  Embarrassingly I was so affected by it that I erupted in tears. 

I guess what I'm getting at is that, my expectations have lead to disappointment.  Whether its feeling guilty for being disappointed or just feeling entitled then let down, resentment set in.  This resentment is unhealthy and leaks hazardous waste.  I’ve been practicing gentleness and I have to say that already I’ve seen a change in not only Camilla’s behavior (shock!) but also in my marriage.

Photo courtesy of www.fanpop.com

Shaky Saturday

Dear Los Angeles Zoo,
I hate you.  Sorry Betty White.

Camilla has a definite love/hate relationship with the zoo.  Every time I take her I swear that I'll never do it again.  She goes from extreme highs and lows.  It doesn't help that the shuttle is NEVER running, its ALWAYS hot even in the middle of winter, each exhibit is miles apart and somehow manages to always be uphill.  In spite of this she asks to go to the zoo at least 4x a week and this week's playdates and planning all fell through and I wanted to avoid a disappointing end to the week so...I caved.  Above a sweet moment with Penelope before leaving, then a few taken on the  carousel in between meltdowns.

Today we went to the americana at brand.  Oddly enough it was Andy's idea.  Typically I love to go there for the farmer's market, food trucks (what up coolhaus), JCrew, and of course my love- Kate Spade.  Camilla loves the musical fountain, petting zoo, and the wide open lawn.  The bummer is the playground, which is ideally suited for 7 year olds, and filled with mean children who's parents just dump them and disappear.  Camilla is a runner so if I'm on my own it is a little more difficult I usually have to bribe with lollipops and threaten to leave.  Luckily today I had Andy and we just switched off cuddling with Pen and chasing after CS.

Weird Wednesday

Dang is this February the longest short month for everyone?  Today was one of those days that is making me reexamine my whole purpose.  So tired of slumming it, barely getting by and not being absolutely present.  Rather than dwell on it, here are a few things that are making me smile today.

darling new shirts that I can't wait for Pen to wear

Deep burgundy lips with a bare face

Colorful stacking coffee cups

unexpected gift from Grandma

blooming cameilas

and of course these weird-o's

Also, clearly I am having a hard time getting the photos arranged properly on this blog.  If anyone has any tips or tricks they are much appreciated.

Maudlin Monday

 

 I’m just going to write about it.  The plan was to keep it light.  favorite lipsticks, new shoes, funny C$ stories... I can’t not be me.  I’m a talker, I overshare.  Penelope is disabled.  There I said it. DISABLED.  geez that looks weird.  I think that the hardest thing is the guilt.  How did this happen?  Not enough tummy time, too much attention on C.  My body is fucked, I shouldn’t have children.  God tried to warn me with the first one, then the spherocytosis, now this.  One day she almost crawls; the next day she just sits and cries.  Today was a day like that.  I want to just cry with her, but I’m a stone.  I’ve crawled onto the ceiling and am watching myself sit and stare. Willing myself to embrace her and shudder away the feelings of failure and frustration.  I’m not a terrible mother.  I know that.  The therapist says to avoid overhelping, but she doesn’t have to watch her baby reach for the ever elusive toy and erupt into tears when it just cant be gotten.  She doesn’t have to explain to her two year old that “Penelope just isn’t ready to  crawl like Simon,” she doesn’t have to be at the other end of the stare that says, “I’ve just given up.”  I can’t seem to cope.  I fancy myself an optimist.  Staying encouraged through the difficulty, maintaining great attitude, being a great wife, mother, and friend.  I’m failing at it all.  I’m frustrated, sad, and disconnected.  I can’t go on like this so I won’t.  I’m gonna hand Penelope the toy, hold her when she cries, overhelp, and overshare.  So, if you get stuck talking to me and I unload on you, smile politely, place a caring hand on my shoulder and listen.   

Friday Fun

today was the first day since Penelope was born that Camilla and I had an outing on our own.  She and Andy go out together alone constantly, but for some reason it never occurred to me that she would want one-on-one time with me as well.  weird that it took me a whole year to figure that out. she was a bit concerned and kept asking where Pen was, but her anxiety quickly faded when I took her to Starbucks for a chocolate mini-do-nut.  below are some photos post Starbucks where we were lucky enough to meet up with the Gloyd family so C$ could have some much needed Jack time.  see her glee below.

I'm wearing a Hang Ten shirt, no really I am, similar here genetic denim and ancient, but ridiculously comfy ae flats better ones here sorry about cutting my head off between the lack of make-up and the giant hair the picture really was offensive.